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Crime Report: Crapper Attacker Edition

by ARLnow.com February 22, 2012 at 12:00 pm 5,609 39 Comments

Someone broke into an Alcova Heights apartment last week, used the bathroom, and didn’t flush. From this week’s Arlington County crime report:

UNLAWFUL ENTRY, 02/17/12, 3600 block of S. 5th Street. Between 7:45 am, on February 14, and 6 pm, on February 15, an unknown subject entered the victim’s apartment and used the bathroom. There were no items reported missing. There is no suspect description.

According to Arlington County Police spokesman Dustin Sternbeck, the bathroom bandit may not have flushed, but he or she did, at least, turn off the lights.

“An unknown subject defacated in the victims toilet and didn’t flush,” Sternbeck said in an email. “The suspect also turned off interior lights in the residence that were left on… there were no signs of forced entry.”

Sternbeck said he could not recall any similar incidents in Arlington in recent memory. The rest of this week’s crime report, after the jump.

SEXUAL BATTERY, 02/21/12, 3200 block of Wilson Boulevard. On February 21, at 6:15 pm, a victim was touched inappropriately during a body massage. The victim left the business immediately and reported the incident to police. The investigation continues at this time.

MALICIOUS WOUNDING, 02/15/12, 600 block of N Wakefield Street. On February 15 at 3:30 pm, a subject attempted to strangle his mother. The juvenile suspect of Arlington was charged with assault.

MALICIOUS WOUNDING, 02/16/12, 1900 block of N Culpepper Street. At 2:30 am on February 12, a subject pushed a victim down a flight of stairs. The suspect is described as a black male, 5’7″, and 190 lbs.

MALICIOUS WOUNDING BY MOB, 02/19/12, 1200 block of N. Herndon Street. Just prior to 2 am on February 19, multiple suspects assaulted a victim. The suspects fled the scene in a vehicle and the victim was transported to Fairfax Hospital with non-life threatening injuries. There are no suspect descriptions.

MALICIOUS WOUNDING, 02/17/12, 1500 block of Wilson Boulevard. A 9:30 pm on February 17, a known subject punched a male victim after a verbal exchange. The victim was transported to an area hospital with minor injuries. A warrant was obtained for the known suspect.

ATTEMPTED MALICIOUS WOUNDING, 02/19/12, 500 block S. Army Navy Drive. On February 19, at 1:40 am, a suspect assaulted a known victim and attempted to stab her with a knife in their hotel room. The victim was able to exit the room and call 911 from the front desk. Vasean Gillis, 37, of District heights, MD, was arrested and charged with attempted malicious wounding. Gillis was held without bond.

BURGLARY, 02/17/12, 4300 block of N. Fairfax Street. Between 7 pm, on February 16, and 8 am, on February 17, an unknown subject broke into an office and stole a laptop. Entry was made through the front door. There is no suspect description.

BURGLARY, 02/19/12, 1900 block of Columbia Pike. Between 3 pm, on February 18, and 11:20 am, on February 19, an unknown subject(s) entered a locked apartment and stole various items. Items reported stolen include jewelry, electronics, purses and alcohol. There is no suspect(s) description.

BURGLARY, 02/21/12, 6900 block of N. Fairfax Drive. Between 9 am and 5 pm, on February 21, an unknown subject entered a victim’s residence through a rear window and stole various items. Items stolen include a laptop, credit cards, cash and jewelry. There is no suspect description.

BURGLARY, 02/21/12, 900 block of S. Wakefield Street. Shortly after 10 am on February 21, multiple subjects kicked in the front door of an apartment and stole various items. Items reported stolen include laptops, cash, jewelry and cell phones. The suspects fled the apartment after being confronted by a neighbor and left the scene in two vehicles. The suspects were described as adult males 18-26 years old, wearing black jackets and black ski masks.

  • Good Grief

    Best story ever posted.

    • NPGMBR

      Freakin hilarious!

  • OldTimer

    No s%&t. Hope they washed their hands afterward after leaving this little ‘gift for the homeowner.

  • T.G.E.0.A….

    At least they didn’t leave an upper decker

    • awh hells bells


  • brendan

    at least they didn’t upperdeck….

  • nunya

    now that’s just not right.

  • novasteve

    This was obviously Chipotleaddict, who then because of his environmentalist views, didn’t want to waste water by flushing it. When you eat Chipotle and you gotta go, you gotta go!

    • awh hells bells

      If it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown flush it down.

  • SmartArse

    Shouldn’t the headline be “Illegal Dumping”?

  • TooShyTo2

    I would prefer a phantom deuce to carnations on Valentine’s Day.

  • RadfordGuy

    He should have turned the water off, flushed, then took a #2, then left

  • novasteve

    $100 say this was a case of somnambulism.

  • Cakes

    I’m going with the “Turd Burglar”

    • We were also considering going with “pooper snooper.”

      • CrystalMikey

        Yes! LOL

        • ArlNow Fan

          Yes, please change the headline! That is awesome.

      • poop puns

        I prefer “The Poopetrator”.

  • Good Grief


  • nom de guerre

    Did the police analyze the “material” for DNA and run it through the CODIS database?

  • TooShyTo2

    Crapper John, B&E.

  • HighViewPunk

    I applaud the person’s problem solving skills. They apparently really had to go.

  • YTK

    And that’s the news poop — er SCOOP — for the day!!!

  • RadfordGuy

    The Phantom Pooper!! He was last seen at Radford University in 1999 behind 7-11

  • Tabs

    I hope the homeowner scooped it out for DNA evidence.

  • Josh S

    Might that be the ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, still in possession of the key?

    • Good Grief

      Hmm, you have too much inside information on this case… Where were you on Feb 17th? jk!

  • nunya

    what better post to mention “brown flip flop”

  • mickey644

    Nothing like dropping a few sailors for the mess hall!!

    • OldTimer

      Or kids off at the pool…

  • bobco85

    Hmm, that resident must have an enemy in the maintenance crew. No evidence of forced entry, nothing stolen, and the lights were turned off? My bet is on the maintenance crew.

  • RadfordGuy

    People did this all the time in college, just a drunk friend!

  • novasteve

    Whatever this activity gets called, they should name a pub after it.

    • OldTimer

      The Code Brown Pub

  • cranky crankypants

    does anyone else think it’s funny when the ad on this article is the gorilla contemplating?

    • OldTimer

      Uh… me thinks the Grizzly ate the Gorilla.

  • nana nana nana nana

    Crapman. Leave the lights on; receive floating present.

  • whatford

    Note to self: Change the locks when you break up with girlfriend.


    I had just taken a big gulp of cofee when I read about the illegal non-flusher and I nearly lost the coffee. My screen would have been a total mess had I not had the strength and fortitute to contain my laughter.

    Thanks for a hysterical story – we need more of these!!

    🙂 🙂


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