Arlington, VA

This weekend, as many as 300,000 conservatives from across the country will flock to the DC area to attend Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin’s Restoring Honor rally at the Lincoln Memorial.

Many of the Tea Party activists who will be attending Saturday’s non-political event be staying at hotels in Arlington, so it’s important that they know the best places to eat! As such, we’ve compiled a guide to everybody’s favorite non-partisan food: pizza.

Thanks to the Maine Tea Party’s advice to members for navigating the multicultural environs of the greater Washington area, we have a pretty good idea of what Tea Partiers like. So, without further adieu, here are the top five places to go for pizza in Arlington (and none of them are on the dreaded Yellow Line!).

1. Lost Dog Cafe (5876 Washington Blvd) — Safely nestled in a small shopping district in North Arlington, Lost Dog serves not one but five types of white pizza. From the Popeye Pie, with spinach and chicken, to the Ricky Ricotta, described as a white pizza lover’s dream, Lost Dog has plenty of variety to satisfy even the pickiest eater. To wash it down, choose from Lost Dog’s great beer selection. Recommended choices include the Blue Moon White Ale, the Menocino White Hawk Ale, and Allagash White.

2. Pupatella Pizza (5104 Wilson Blvd) — Pupatella just opened its first brick and mortar restaurant to rave reviews. The restaurant is owned by Enzo Algarme, a legal immigrant from Europe an inspiring story! Forget the fancy gourmet pizzas on the menu, however. Instead, design your own made with Buffalo mozzarella imported from Naples and Pupatella’s homemade cream and garlic white sauce.

3. Piola (1550 Wilson Blvd) — Imagine yourself in a cozy Italian pizzeria when you visit this imported gem in scenic Rosslyn. Piola’s menu features an entire section devoted to Le Pizze Bianche, the original Old World pizza style. Just be glad you weren’t here when the World Cup brought out noisy crowds that insisted on challenging this country’s sport sovereignty by calling the game “football.”

4. Ledo Pizza (1501 Arlington Blvd) — Conveniently located in the Best Western near the Iwo Jima memorial, local chain Ledo Pizza serves reasonably-priced food that will remind you of neighborhood pizzerias back home. But here’s the twist: the pizzas are square. We recommend the Italian White Pizza, with garlic herb aioli, fontina, and a delicious blend of three cheeses. If you’re trying to feed a large group, check out the giant tray of Fettuccini Alfredo.

5. Mom’s Pizza (3255 Columbia Pike) — This one’s a little risky. Go here for lunch, but by all means avoid at night, when the illegal immigrants are done stealing American jobs for the day. It’s not near a Blue/Orange Line Metro station, so you’ll need to drive and, if possible, open carry a handgun. But if you do get there, you’ll love the herb-rich white pizza and the refreshingly All-American draft beer selection: Budweiser and Miller Lite ($2.45 and $2.55 respectively).

One quick “don’t go there” tip. Stay away from Clarendon’s American Flatbread. Between the frou-frou organic pizzas and the sign law-ignoring owner, this is a place to avoid.

Good luck and enjoy your stay in Arlington!

(Editor’s note: This article contained “advice” of a satirical nature. That said, all six places listed here are actually pretty good — some, in fact, are very good — and worth a visit from anyone visiting Arlington.

On a more serious note, do you think a few of those hundreds of thousands of Honor Restorers would be interested in attending Arlington’s 9/11 steel ceremony on Sunday? We hope the organizers are planning accordingly in case word gets around.)

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